If not for the courage of the fearless crew...
Thursday, 7 January 2010 22:49![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fatrockstarI have been battling depression for a long time. It comes in waves and lasts for however long it lasts. Sometimes it's just a premenstrual funk, and other times it can take weeks to snap out of it. As I am emerging from this last episode, I feel I can write clearly enough for a public entry.
One of the worst aspects of major depression is the feeling that not only are you not doing anything right, you've also let everyone down. You let them down by doing or by not doing, or simply by being depressed at all. Every thought you have is of how the people you love are affected by your behavior, and you convince yourself that they are all either irritated at or disappointed in you. It can get overwhelming.
In my case I felt like a complete failure. My finances have been barely treading water, my band lost its last original member, I've been gaining back all the weight I lost... you get the idea. 2009 challenged me from all sides*. With the sense of failure comes a lot of guilt, and I have been beating the shit out of myself with it. Why? I guess at some point I told myself that pursuing my dreams, whatever they may be, is not something I can afford to sacrifice anything for.
That's kinda stupid. Sacrifices are what we make every day, with every choice. Why am I not allowed to sacrifice anything? What reward did I get for not making any sacrifices?
Oh, right -- I got depressed.
Recently I read something that made me realize I've been thinking too hard about certain things. The people I thought I had let down the most I hadn't really given a lot of credit to, and I apologize. I should have had more faith. Instead I kept to myself in an effort to spare feelings. I want wonderful things for them and always will. I also intend to keep all my promises, even if it takes me a while.
I have two resolutions for 2010. One is to finish every project I start. The other is to make a habit out of being happy, even if it means I have to stop second-guessing myself on everything. It's what I want for myself, and what the people who love me want for me, too.
I thought about screening comments, but decided not to.
*but did NOT suck as bad as 2008 did.
One of the worst aspects of major depression is the feeling that not only are you not doing anything right, you've also let everyone down. You let them down by doing or by not doing, or simply by being depressed at all. Every thought you have is of how the people you love are affected by your behavior, and you convince yourself that they are all either irritated at or disappointed in you. It can get overwhelming.
In my case I felt like a complete failure. My finances have been barely treading water, my band lost its last original member, I've been gaining back all the weight I lost... you get the idea. 2009 challenged me from all sides*. With the sense of failure comes a lot of guilt, and I have been beating the shit out of myself with it. Why? I guess at some point I told myself that pursuing my dreams, whatever they may be, is not something I can afford to sacrifice anything for.
That's kinda stupid. Sacrifices are what we make every day, with every choice. Why am I not allowed to sacrifice anything? What reward did I get for not making any sacrifices?
Oh, right -- I got depressed.
Recently I read something that made me realize I've been thinking too hard about certain things. The people I thought I had let down the most I hadn't really given a lot of credit to, and I apologize. I should have had more faith. Instead I kept to myself in an effort to spare feelings. I want wonderful things for them and always will. I also intend to keep all my promises, even if it takes me a while.
I have two resolutions for 2010. One is to finish every project I start. The other is to make a habit out of being happy, even if it means I have to stop second-guessing myself on everything. It's what I want for myself, and what the people who love me want for me, too.
I thought about screening comments, but decided not to.
*but did NOT suck as bad as 2008 did.
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no subject
8/1/10 07:02 (UTC)Hugs
8/1/10 11:58 (UTC)Re: Hugs
8/1/10 12:00 (UTC)no subject
8/1/10 18:25 (UTC)It's a new year, a new start, and I hope the best for you :)