fatrockstar

I have been battling depression for a long time. It comes in waves and lasts for however long it lasts. Sometimes it's just a premenstrual funk, and other times it can take weeks to snap out of it. As I am emerging from this last episode, I feel I can write clearly enough for a public entry.

One of the worst aspects of major depression is the feeling that not only are you not doing anything right, you've also let everyone down. You let them down by doing or by not doing, or simply by being depressed at all. Every thought you have is of how the people you love are affected by your behavior, and you convince yourself that they are all either irritated at or disappointed in you. It can get overwhelming.

In my case I felt like a complete failure. My finances have been barely treading water, my band lost its last original member, I've been gaining back all the weight I lost... you get the idea. 2009 challenged me from all sides*. With the sense of failure comes a lot of guilt, and I have been beating the shit out of myself with it. Why? I guess at some point I told myself that pursuing my dreams, whatever they may be, is not something I can afford to sacrifice anything for.

That's kinda stupid. Sacrifices are what we make every day, with every choice. Why am I not allowed to sacrifice anything? What reward did I get for not making any sacrifices?

Oh, right -- I got depressed.

Recently I read something that made me realize I've been thinking too hard about certain things. The people I thought I had let down the most I hadn't really given a lot of credit to, and I apologize. I should have had more faith. Instead I kept to myself in an effort to spare feelings. I want wonderful things for them and always will. I also intend to keep all my promises, even if it takes me a while.

I have two resolutions for 2010. One is to finish every project I start. The other is to make a habit out of being happy, even if it means I have to stop second-guessing myself on everything. It's what I want for myself, and what the people who love me want for me, too.

I thought about screening comments, but decided not to.









*but did NOT suck as bad as 2008 did.

It was a good trip. Jen & Steve are mostly how I remember them, and I only say "mostly" because parenting a teenage girl with truth issues may as well be just like going to war. I am so happy I went and hung out with them, met all kinds of locals, saw Loretta Lynn, saw John Mellencamp's house, walked on the beach, almost got a tattoo (in South Carolina it's perfectly legal and acceptable to tattoo a drunk person), and ate shellfish for the first time in a long time. I've never eaten so many french fries in my life.

The trip home was a bit stressful. All it takes is one delay to throw off the whole thing. Have I mentioned I hate the window seat? Yeah, that. [singsong] claustrophoooooobia [/singsong]

You know how playing a video game will unlock other levels or items? Yeah, this trip was kinda like that. I need a 360 banner for the achievement, though.

I have missed being able to send my miniblogs here. If I had twitter'd, today I would have posted the following:

Went to Ed's gig w/National Broadcast at the Tractor last night. I always forget how tall Ethan is. Hot guys EVERYWHERE, the few girls there were drunk, and I really really want to play at The Tractor now.

NB's promoter talked to us for a bit. I asked him how much work he wanted to take on, told him to think of us when booking the next NB show. Nice guy. Young. *sigh*

I owe Eden over at Evolution $30. Looks like I'll have to sell a couple of things first. I can't believe how broke I am. This sucks.

None of my pants fit. They all fall off my hips. The one pair that does fit - just snug enough to be uncomfortable. I'm at 192 now. Yay!

I'm on a mission to gig. Gig and hire backup vox. And maybe a keyboardist. So many ideas, so little music theory. Must..book..shows..

Big Bros/Bis Sis called me today. I asked for info a month ago. I can either commit to a year in the community or a flexible timespan at a school. Suddenly this is really fucking scary. Why is that?

Seven days until Tybee. I will see The Palmers for the first time in years. I miss them. They knew me when I was more fun, long before Garret. I need to reconnect with my origins.

Trying to write a song, but can't get all the words onto paper. Funny, I had it all figured out on the car driving home. What happened? It was cool, too. Damn.

Heard back from the compilation album folks. They were able to "warm the track up to industry standards." You have no idea how happy I am about that.

Time to compose my "book us" email. I need to play out.


I typed in all this shit myself. Loudtwitter had nothing to do with it.