fatrockstar

I really hate the holidays. There's nothing for me to celebrate, really. I find it a convenient excuse to meet with people I like and eat food I normally wouldn't. Truth be told, I'm alone, have been for most of my life, will be for the rest of it, and I struggle with accepting that every day. Because I do enjoy the company of others, though, I try to see the positive in it. I try very, very hard.

I am thankful for the friends I get to spend time with.

I am thankful for the friends who are happy to hear from me and return my calls and email.

I am thankful for the friends that are patient with me during my darkest times.

I am thankful for Grady and his feline efforts to make sense in English (or "Engline").

I am thankful for the inability to predict the future.

I am thankful for the blogiverse, Tylenol, Junior Mints in fun size, and webcam conversations that go until the wee hours.

I am especially thankful for my band, their families, our fans, and everything Troublefakers. If it were not for the lot of you, past and present, I don't know where I'd be. I love you guys and hope you're enjoying your day surrounded by people you care about.

Before I forget...

I am also thankful for time to myself, a roof over my head, and a job that keeps me busy.

...and chocolate chip cookie dough. Preferably the kind I have to assemble myself.

I've been making a lot of locked posts over the last three months, and for good reason. My recent personal situation was devastating and multiplied by the number of people in my life I've lost almost entirely. It's like an airplane full of the people I love the most exploded leaving no survivors. My life has been turned upside-down.

When you go through a divorce you find out who your true friends are. My soon-to-be-ex may not have ever been my friend, I don't know -- I haven't heard from him in a long time. Dwelling on the people who have either abandoned or betrayed me is counterproductive. What I've discovered is I have friends in places I never knew existed, and the ones that I thought I knew the best have surprised me (sometimes pleasantly, and sometimes not).

My New Year's resolutions are pretty casual and probably normal for someone who has just gone through years of profound disappointment after great sacrifice: 1) Get out more, and 2) acquire more male friends. I have joked about having more sex, preferably with as few partners as possible, but my past experience has been if you want something bad enough you'll never get it even if you pray for it -- especially if you pray for it. So if it happens, it happens. I am working to actively NOT want it (or at least ignore it).

I don't cry every day, most of the day anymore. Now it's just random and usually triggered by me finding something that reminds me that Garret and I used to be happy. Really, we did. My emotional state is stable for the most part. Focusing on and being good to myself has been the true challenge, followed by convincing myself that I am worthy of wonderful things in my life. So if I want a tall muscular (and employed) brunette on my arm, dammit I deserve one. That's a FACT, JACK. Everything else is just gravy.

I'm still working, the job is going well. It would be awesome if they gave me more to do so I could at least TRY to impress someone, but I'm not dissuaded by that. I need to make something up that's impressive instead. While I do that, I'm updating my resume and will be looking for another management position starting in March of this year. My next position will pay more, allowing me to worry less about paying my mortgage.

Oh yeah -- the house. I am still in the house. There are two bedrooms I never go in, but I'm in the house. I got a good deal on the refinancing. Yay me. I'm constantly told that the house is a good investment despite the current market and economy. That's probably true and I wish I could feel better about it. I am trapped in suburbia, surrounded by families and retirees. It's my purgatory -- no punishment, no reward.

Grady is doing well. He has not thrown up once since Garret left. Not once. We used to be able to count on him vomiting twice a day, less than that after we got him special food, but now... nothing. He's very healthy and very chatty.

My band is in a transitory state. In October The Troublefakers lost a drummer. Shortly after hiring her replacement we lost the guitarist, too. The remaining members are disappointed, but also excited -- a new guitarist means new songs and new life to old songs. There are several songs in the works already. I'm looking forward to more Trouble and learning how to record at home. This will become easier as I meet more people in the music scene.

Maybe I'm not really bored. It's probably a side effect of being alone for the first time in eight years. So much has changed since the last time I spent any time alone with myself. It's like learning how to be human all over again.

Ruby's at RTC. 20 steps away from JLove's "new favorite place to shop (Victoria's Secret)." She needs to DIAF. I, in the meantime, will enjoy a burger.