fatrockstar

I don't blog as often as I used to. Heck, if you wander around LiveJournal for a while you'll see there are a lot of accounts that haven't been updated in months -- that includes personal and community accounts. I couldn't tell you how many of those were still active on a private or friends-only level.

My last public post was in December when album #2 came out. Everything else has been under lock and key for very good reason. Without revealing too much I'll tell you this: I went through a pretty dark time this Winter. It wasn't until my birthday in March that I actually took the first step in doing something about it.

The band still practices once a week. We've been adding some covers to our songbook so we can play longer sets and maybe a few parties or corporate events. As far as new songs go there have been only a few that I think are worth recording, but I am my own worst critic in that department. Ron went through our rehearsal archives and found another album in there somewhere. To be honest I haven't had much I've wanted to write about. I am blocked by the inability to truly express myself without repercussion and a dullness in my imagination for songs that are more entertainment than art.

I still live in the house I bought with my ex back in '05. Now that I'm in a position to refinance my horrendous mortgage I'm finding myself dreaming at night of other, more interesting and charming places to live. The ex's needs chose this house. With him gone it's kinda dumb for me to stay here if it's going to make me go broke. We'll see what the refi terms are -- being able to make a few changes could make a difference.

Martha is not Grady. She does not snuggle and is afraid of nothing. She will, however, lie on the floor with her paws up so you can rub her belly. I really wish I knew what she was trying to tell me, though, because she never shuts up. I feel like if only we could get past that communication thing we'd be golden.

My hair is getting really long. It's still candy-apple red, but these days I have more pink at the temples. Once in a while the roots get long enough I can make out my natural color. Still too much silver, so I color everything red again.

I roll in waves. Some weeks I'm very content and others I just want to go on a long drive alone somewhere. My life is not horrible. There are people I miss and hope to see again. There are songs I need to write. Until then, I am still posting entries here under lockdown where the search engines won't bother them much.

If you have a blog or another web presence I should know about please tell me where to find it in the comments. Everything is screened since I have no idea who actually checks here outside of LJ anymore.

I have determined that whatever is causing my sore throat is INSIDE this house. I don't know what it is or how I can pinpoint it, I just know that my throat is sore to the point where singing is difficult and I often have a dry cough. In addition to that I am also suffering from super-dry sinuses and my eyes are intermittently on fire. This overall pain and discomfort is very frustrating because I know my dad would like to hear from me and I also have a gig on Sunday afternoon to sing for. I can't have long conversations with a glass throat.

All this started to escalate after PAX, which is also when temperatures broke 80 here. Now that it's rainy and in the 60s I thought for sure it would calm down. Noop.

It's not Martha, either. I was having this problem before she came to live with us and it hasn't become worse by being near her. Is it a moisture thing? I'm worried that if I turn on my humidifier and I'm wrong it could make everything worse. I have a huge fear that my crawlspace, which I have not ventured into for a Very Long Time, is a biosphere all its own and has finally outgrown the space beneath my house to infect me with its alien micro-organisms.

Speaking of Martha, she is painfully adorable. She is also painfully codependent and follows me everywhere, chirping at me in her squeaky little meao. I am concerned I will end up with two cats anyway, which will upset me, but I don't want to traumatize an animal with endless hours of loneliness she doesn't want.

So far we haven't really established a Grady-esque rapport. The only things that really come through are LOVE ME and WATCH ME EAT. We'll get there, I'm sure.



I pulled a white corset out of the dark corners of my closet and decided I was going to fuck with it. Why not, right? I spent $40 on it for my wedding back in '02 and have worn it maybe once since. At first I considered spray painting it red and doing the WW motif, but that's way too predictable. Instead I ripped off the tacky lacy trim and am painting it a lovely royal blue. Maybe I'll add some new trim if I have something worthwhile here in the house, but for now it's drying in the garage.



My new washing machine arrived this week and will take some getting used to. Instead of standard washing machine noises this one sounds like it's heaving during the wash cycle. I honestly thought for a moment that it was going to vomit my clothes all over the interior of my laundry room. That would have been terrifying.



I've been thinking about my former in-laws a lot lately. I put away Nate & Karen's wedding party photo a long time ago, but the last family picture they sent me is still up on my wall along with photos of other family members I don't get to see very often or at all. I'm pretty sure a lot has changed since the last time we heard from each other. The more time that passes the more awkward it seems to reach out and say hello, but life goes on. I don't want to make things uncomfortable for the Blues. Despite my ex's past behavior, I still love them and want them to be peaceful and happy.



Has anyone using Netflix seen The Hard Times of RJ Berger? I finished season 1 and loved it. Season 2 isn't available for streaming, which sucks, but I'm digging it. Word to the wise: I like strange television. My recommendations are not solid.

The band took a hiatus... accidentally. We had three weeks of no rehearsal for one reason or another (illness, work, family emergency) and just got back together this week. Funny how now that we're back in sync and I'm finding the energy to book shows again everyone is going on vacation. We won't play another show until late August. By then we will have released album #2. I guess it all works out.

I guess for a while there I was starting to burn out on music. I had no time or energy for booking, people don't offer us shows out of the air (except for SeaStar, and we love them for that), and nobody else was stepping up to do it in my place. You guys might think I'm this super-cool musician lady with a record and an awesome stage show, but to the Seattle scene I'm just another squawking hack without a draw. Worth and talent are hard to prove without the crowd to support it. I needed those three weeks to regroup and figure out my head.

I realized I wasn't using my free time wisely enough. I downloaded apps to my R2, researched portable recording gadgets, re-prioritized the things that brought me peace... Most of what I needed was here all along, I just had to find enough calm to remember where I put it.

In the real world I have credit card information on Reverb Nation and SonicBids to update, features on my Yamaha keyboard I need to learn how to use, and a couple of songs to clean up arrangements for.

Here is where we are
How many years since we've grown apart
I'm on the opposite end of the world in a hundred ways
And I'm so not the same

I do miss Grady. This morning I was by the mantle where his urn sits and I thought I heard him in my head. «Hey,» he said, «I'm coming back you know. I don't know how, but I can feel it. And that thing you were worried about? It won't happen. Have the tuna ready for me, 'kay?» I'm not sure what that meant, but it is true I've been considering another animal. When I'll follow through on that I couldn't tell you.

So... I'm around. I'm making music. We're looking at playing outside the city a few times this year. My Etsy store will get updated in the next week or two. It'll be great. You just wait and see.

«What's the matter?»
I'm just sad.
«Sad? I don't understand.»
I'm sad because I miss you. It's not the same without you here.
«But I'm with you now. I always will be, just without tuna.»
Yeah, that... I can't do tuna anymore because it reminds me of you.
«Your loss.»
Don't be cruel.
«I still don't understand. I'm with you like I always have been. My body was a formality - you needed me to be tangible, so I was.»
...
«Do what you have to. Would it make you feel any better if I went away?»
No, don't. It will take a while for me to process this. I feel a little ridiculous for mourning at all. It was the right thing to do but I feel horrible anyway, like I failed you.
«I'm not complaining. The body failed me, not you. I can't leave anyway. Where would I go?»
You were so young... I never got a chance to--
«to what --give me tuna? ::purrs:: Truly the highlight of my decline...»
I miss you, Grady.
«I know.»
I can hardly function.
«That will pass. I'm always with you, always a part of you. Find a warm spot and take a nap. Enjoy new smells. Ask questions. Stay clean. Oh, and one more thing..»
What's that?
«Thanks for all the tuna. It was awesome.»

Yesterday Grady began to respond a little more to conversation than he had been earlier in the week. "Grady, are you hungry?" Ears perk up. «Yeah... I could eat. Is it tuna?» There were a few occasions where he actually cleaned his plate. The vomiting he had during Christmas weekend went away once I began pureeing his food. I am debating giving him back his kibble, knowing that he's been having issues with things not breaking down completely.

Today he jumped on my lap for the first time in several days. Later on, after he had wandered back to his spot beside the sofa, he came back and jumped up to sniff and visit. It's becoming apparent that his hind legs aren't keeping up. His jumps are incomplete, whether it's to the sofa or a countertop he's not supposed to be on. That he's trying gives me a little peace. That he decided he wanted to sit on my lap for a spell was reassuring.

He seems okay for now. I don't expect him to improve or recover from his illness. It is a little odd for me to have to check his butt every day since he stopped bathing himself, but he seems to be okay with it. It's a waiting game.

Grady is going to Dr. K to be drained today. How he can be engorged with fluid and still be dehydrated to the point where he gorges himself on water is a mystery to me. Most of the major vomiting episodes over the last week have been due to him overdoing it with water. His last one was in a place that was much easier to clean up -- all water.

His appetite is improving. He has this odd tendency to only eat if one of us is nearby eating, and if he's feeling ornery he'll ignore the food we've put out for him and come begging. I hate that. This morning was the first morning in a long time he hopped up on the bed to beg for breakfast. Ken got up to feed him while I tried to wake up. When served, Grady just stared at the plate. "You gonna eat that?" Ken asked. «Yeah... I guess.» And then he ate. By the time I was ready for coffee it was gone, and that was good.

The Christmas tree came down yesterday along with all the other holiday decor. As I packed everything up I wondered how much of my ornaments and other stuff wound up with Garret. I'm missing a lot of garland and my childhood stocking. I'd be willing to trade him if he did. I'm pretty sure I have at least one major holiday decoration he wishes he hadn't left behind.

Working from home today, but not a lot is crossing my desk and my to-do list was pretty much covered by 9 this morning. I'm in "waiting for email" mode.

The fluid in Grady's belly has been slowly returning since we drained him last week. Last night he was still social and I could tell he wanted to be more active, but it was becoming a little tiresome to lug around those extra pounds. Still, he's more active now than he was prior to the draining, and it looks like he's put on muscle since I changed his diet. Whether that's enough to help him recover from whatever it is he's suffering from time will tell.

This morning he came into the bedroom and slept on my legs for a little bit. Jumping up on the bed is good. For now he's at his station on the chair next to me, and that's fine.

He'll get drained again on Tuesday. It won't be fun, but it's something for now.

Grady has been spending his waking hours catching up on some bathing he's been unable to do for a while. I'm sure he's pretty happy about it, but then there are those moments where he stops and makes a face, usually the squinty-eyed one with his mouth open and tongue hanging out. «Ugh, how long has *that* been there?» He blinks, then gets back to work.

I got some food to tide him over last night. Today I head out to the highway robbery store to buy the special diet.

My poor little buddy has been swollen around his belly for several weeks with no improvement in sight. You can tell it keeps him from walking or sitting properly, and he's gained enough weight that big jumps are tough.

A few days ago Charlotte and I were in the den and caught Grady barely finishing a jump from the floor to the back of the sofa. A day or so after that I noticed his paw looked funny. Further examination revealed an injury to one of his toes.

Grady does have a tendency to stick his paws under our feet when begging, but when he gets stepped on we hear all about it. This had to be from the clumsy jump we witnessed.

I don't think my cat is simply "old and fat." I think he has a problem that needs to be addressed. Grady might need a ride or two to the vet once I have the money to pay the bill. Luckily that might not be too far off.

This is a really dark and blurry snap of his poor liddle toes: