NEWSFLASH: The D Word [long]
Wednesday, 2 September 2009 23:27![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fatrockstarI haven't written about this in a while, but it's time I faced facts. Will posting this where the world can see it make me accountable or give me more fuel to procrastinate with? Who knows. You're reading this, so it's open for discussion. Standard rules apply: Speak your mind, and anonymous commenters are fair game.
I am not divorced.
My husband has been gone for nearly two years and gainfully employed for all that time, probably at the same salary he was hired, while I have struggled to stay employed at a level of pay that will keep a roof over my head and bills paid.
The original agreement in mediation was to separate assets as equally as possible, forfeit claim to each other's real estate, and then he would be the Petitioner on the divorce papers. We filed in King County where the Petitioner's presence in court is required. He wanted the divorce, he lives in downtown Seattle closer to the courthouse, he can afford to take a personal day, he can show up in court and get the divorce he put a knife in my back to get. I said as much in front of Garret and the mediator, and she corrected the paperwork to reflect this.
Garret did not file the divorce paperwork with the county until months later -- March, if I remember correctly -- and then I got a stack of papers in the mail. On one page there was a list of about twenty dates, and none of them were anything we needed to deal with: Disputes over property, custody arrangements, arguments for, arguments against, and requests for extensions were included. In summary, the only solid date given was for February 2009 -- almost a year later.
I asked several people what to make of this list of dates. I only knew two divorced people, but they had filed in a county that didn't require a court date and had no answers. My dad said "call the courthouse." At the time I was so overwhelmed with grief and frustration I didn't do anything. I stupidly assumed that Garret was eager enough to break ties with me that he'd figure it out. After all, he's the Petitioner, his presence is required, right? I counted the days from the date on the stack of papers sent to me. 90 days came and went, but the King County website never posted our divorce hearing. Maybe I got the date wrong? I checked for several weeks, still grieving too much to do anything about it.
In October I got another pack of papers from the courthouse. It was a form of checkboxed items, with a couple of items marked off. The first one was "the parties failed to appear for the hearing," and the second was "this case is DISMISSED WITHOUT PREJUDICE." Apparently our court date was on or around October 17, 2008. By the time I got the dismissal papers it was too late to re-file and be divorced by December 31.
I finally called the courthouse in January. The last thing I needed was to be audited by the IRS over a filing status and wanted to confirm at least a separation agreement. The clerk had no record of a divorce OR a separation. I called the mediator, who said she hadn't heard from Garret regarding the dismissal OR re-filing, and was a little surprised that so much time had gone by without hearing anything. The property agreement was still legally binding, but that was the only paperwork still valid. She could update the divorce papers for me for $500, and the divorce filing fee would bring that to $750. I asked if she could file them in Lincoln County where they do it all by mail, and she said, "I can file your papers in any county you want. Just say which one." I'd still have to talk to Garret.
Everyone I have talked to about this says the same thing. I have to talk to Garret. Even if I do everything myself, I will still have to talk to him to get the paperwork papers served and signed. Sounds easy, right? Nope.
Ending a marriage is devastating. It takes a really long time to get there, and a really long time to get through it. I never thought my husband would check out on me when he did or how he did, and I certainly never thought he'd betray me. I could have done without that. I never wanted to talk to him again, much less be in the same room with him. I'd sooner punch him in the mouth than give him the time of day. Every time I tried to screw up the nerve to make any kind of contact it would bring up this mix of anger and despair... I was useless.
I filed my 2008 taxes as Married filing Separate. The deducted interest on my mortgage kept me from taking a huge hit financially. If Garret did differently I never heard about it.
So here I am almost two years later, still married to a man I never see or talk to. I have tried very hard to avoid being bitter. I'm not so much bitter about the marriage ending as I am about what an asshole he was to me those last few months we were living together. I could write for DAYS about it. So much of my faith misplaced, not because I was naive, but because I was in serious denial. Denial of his worth and mine. But I digress.
To gain Single status for 2009 taxes, divorce papers will have to be re-filed THIS month (September) so the 90 day waiting period can elapse before December 31. I am finally at a place where I want this to happen, I'm ready for it to happen, and it can't happen soon enough.
What's stopping me? Money. I simply cannot afford to re-file. I can't afford to go halfsies, either -- not at the rate the mediator quoted.
I'm making 35% less than I was two years ago. Due to the way my property taxes and escrow are set up, my mortgage went up $100/month this year and I lost equity. Grady got sick. I've been unemployed nearly eight out of the 21 months since Garret moved out. I have yet to make a dent in the credit card debt created by mediation. Because I own a house, I am not eligible for many low-income programs. Money has been the source of my stress for a long time now.
It's time for me to contact Garret. I will set aside my anger and disgust and meet with him. When I see him, I will say "hello Garret, it's nice to see you," and then I will ask him to re-file the divorce papers because I cannot afford to.
Will he? I don't know. He has avoided me as much as I have avoided him.
I don't know why he didn't show up in court. I don't know if he's aware we are still married, or if he cares. I don't know anything about Garret anymore.
I know this much: Making the divorce happen is one thing I am incapable of doing for him, no matter how much I want or need to. Making contact is the only way I can think of to get that message through.
This is a public post. There isn't anything in this entry people don't already know, and if I'm wrong about that it's not going to embarrass me anymore. Life happens, and this is mine.
I am not divorced.
My husband has been gone for nearly two years and gainfully employed for all that time, probably at the same salary he was hired, while I have struggled to stay employed at a level of pay that will keep a roof over my head and bills paid.
The original agreement in mediation was to separate assets as equally as possible, forfeit claim to each other's real estate, and then he would be the Petitioner on the divorce papers. We filed in King County where the Petitioner's presence in court is required. He wanted the divorce, he lives in downtown Seattle closer to the courthouse, he can afford to take a personal day, he can show up in court and get the divorce he put a knife in my back to get. I said as much in front of Garret and the mediator, and she corrected the paperwork to reflect this.
Garret did not file the divorce paperwork with the county until months later -- March, if I remember correctly -- and then I got a stack of papers in the mail. On one page there was a list of about twenty dates, and none of them were anything we needed to deal with: Disputes over property, custody arrangements, arguments for, arguments against, and requests for extensions were included. In summary, the only solid date given was for February 2009 -- almost a year later.
I asked several people what to make of this list of dates. I only knew two divorced people, but they had filed in a county that didn't require a court date and had no answers. My dad said "call the courthouse." At the time I was so overwhelmed with grief and frustration I didn't do anything. I stupidly assumed that Garret was eager enough to break ties with me that he'd figure it out. After all, he's the Petitioner, his presence is required, right? I counted the days from the date on the stack of papers sent to me. 90 days came and went, but the King County website never posted our divorce hearing. Maybe I got the date wrong? I checked for several weeks, still grieving too much to do anything about it.
In October I got another pack of papers from the courthouse. It was a form of checkboxed items, with a couple of items marked off. The first one was "the parties failed to appear for the hearing," and the second was "this case is DISMISSED WITHOUT PREJUDICE." Apparently our court date was on or around October 17, 2008. By the time I got the dismissal papers it was too late to re-file and be divorced by December 31.
I finally called the courthouse in January. The last thing I needed was to be audited by the IRS over a filing status and wanted to confirm at least a separation agreement. The clerk had no record of a divorce OR a separation. I called the mediator, who said she hadn't heard from Garret regarding the dismissal OR re-filing, and was a little surprised that so much time had gone by without hearing anything. The property agreement was still legally binding, but that was the only paperwork still valid. She could update the divorce papers for me for $500, and the divorce filing fee would bring that to $750. I asked if she could file them in Lincoln County where they do it all by mail, and she said, "I can file your papers in any county you want. Just say which one." I'd still have to talk to Garret.
Everyone I have talked to about this says the same thing. I have to talk to Garret. Even if I do everything myself, I will still have to talk to him to get the paperwork papers served and signed. Sounds easy, right? Nope.
Ending a marriage is devastating. It takes a really long time to get there, and a really long time to get through it. I never thought my husband would check out on me when he did or how he did, and I certainly never thought he'd betray me. I could have done without that. I never wanted to talk to him again, much less be in the same room with him. I'd sooner punch him in the mouth than give him the time of day. Every time I tried to screw up the nerve to make any kind of contact it would bring up this mix of anger and despair... I was useless.
I filed my 2008 taxes as Married filing Separate. The deducted interest on my mortgage kept me from taking a huge hit financially. If Garret did differently I never heard about it.
So here I am almost two years later, still married to a man I never see or talk to. I have tried very hard to avoid being bitter. I'm not so much bitter about the marriage ending as I am about what an asshole he was to me those last few months we were living together. I could write for DAYS about it. So much of my faith misplaced, not because I was naive, but because I was in serious denial. Denial of his worth and mine. But I digress.
To gain Single status for 2009 taxes, divorce papers will have to be re-filed THIS month (September) so the 90 day waiting period can elapse before December 31. I am finally at a place where I want this to happen, I'm ready for it to happen, and it can't happen soon enough.
What's stopping me? Money. I simply cannot afford to re-file. I can't afford to go halfsies, either -- not at the rate the mediator quoted.
I'm making 35% less than I was two years ago. Due to the way my property taxes and escrow are set up, my mortgage went up $100/month this year and I lost equity. Grady got sick. I've been unemployed nearly eight out of the 21 months since Garret moved out. I have yet to make a dent in the credit card debt created by mediation. Because I own a house, I am not eligible for many low-income programs. Money has been the source of my stress for a long time now.
It's time for me to contact Garret. I will set aside my anger and disgust and meet with him. When I see him, I will say "hello Garret, it's nice to see you," and then I will ask him to re-file the divorce papers because I cannot afford to.
Will he? I don't know. He has avoided me as much as I have avoided him.
I don't know why he didn't show up in court. I don't know if he's aware we are still married, or if he cares. I don't know anything about Garret anymore.
I know this much: Making the divorce happen is one thing I am incapable of doing for him, no matter how much I want or need to. Making contact is the only way I can think of to get that message through.
This is a public post. There isn't anything in this entry people don't already know, and if I'm wrong about that it's not going to embarrass me anymore. Life happens, and this is mine.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
3/9/09 07:03 (UTC)I know that it can be as easy as a small fee and a court appearance here in King County, I've had a couple of friends divorce this way. Sadly, I don't talk to them anymore so I can't get details now, but I do know people in the lawyer scene here, and I can ask around.
Hugs to you, and I hope that this all works out.
You can always give me a call.
no subject
3/9/09 17:13 (UTC)There's still the matter of the $250 filing fee. No way around that, the current housemate situation pretty much made that impossible.
no subject
4/9/09 01:00 (UTC)Hmmm. Will check with people I know.
no subject
3/9/09 14:31 (UTC)no subject
3/9/09 19:14 (UTC)Lawyer
3/9/09 14:40 (UTC)Re: Lawyer
3/9/09 17:17 (UTC)Like I told kistha, it's all about the filing fee after getting the paperwork done.
no subject
3/9/09 16:05 (UTC)no subject
3/9/09 19:15 (UTC)no subject
3/9/09 17:14 (UTC)I can totally understand the way you're feeling - trust me. My divorce totally knocked me on my ass. Thank god it was cheap (under 200$).
I think you can put in there that you want him to pay the fees back or something.....
I don't know. I totally understand where you're coming from. I lost my tax return the first year I was divorced because Alex failed to pay a debt he had agreed (in writing) to pay. 2 years later I keep dragging my feet on taking him to court about it. I did once (I don't know if you remember - I posted about it in June) and a paperwork error made it all a waste of time.
no subject
3/9/09 19:14 (UTC)no subject
3/9/09 19:21 (UTC)no subject
3/9/09 19:36 (UTC)no subject
3/9/09 19:44 (UTC)no subject
3/9/09 20:44 (UTC)*hugz*
no subject
3/9/09 23:10 (UTC)you've gotten this far on yourself (no small feat!). i say, talk to him and end it for good. as soon as my house is sold, we are filing immediately and we should be divorced within 3 months of that.
that's all i want. to be single and free of that albatrose and i wish that for you too.