Soap Opera Digest

Previously, on "Winifred..."

Cougs rule, Huskies drool -- in yer face, yuppie scum. 16-13 in double overtime. Rar!

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate my neighbor's dogs? Well, I hate them. She probably hates them, too, if barking nonstop is any clue.

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Congratulate my neighbor, for she has made me this way.

Teamun's tank has needed a water change for several days now. The Fluval that filters everything made a bunch of noise last week and then fell silent, which can only mean one thing: It's so full of old food and turtle poop I have to clean it. I never look forward to this, but I forced myself to take care of it before noon today.

Before I began, Grady begged me to pick him up. When I did he smelled like the litterbox. I yelled "UGGGHH!" and dropped him. I got the hint -- he'd have to be taken care of, too. He's been bugging me about that and I've been too distracted this week to do anything about it. I took care of it and then prepared myself for Teamun's tank.

The Fluval had to be cleaned first. It is not the kind of thing you clean indoors. I put on my grubby clothes, rubber gloves, and headed onto the rear deck to take the damn thing apart. As I was doing this my neighbor's dogs felt the need to dig an even bigger hole under the fence to get their head into. I was not happy about this. I contemplated filling the hole with cement as I prepared the hose to clean the gunk off the filter's parts. BARK BARK BARK GRRR BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK DRRR GAARRRR BARK BARK BARK BARK "OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE YOU STUPID DOGS SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY" BARK GRRR BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK

I hate dogs.

I ignored them the best I could as I hosed the crap off the filter's components. It was filthy and I complained aloud every time anything ricocheted in my direction, including dirty water. Yuck yuck yuck. By the time I finished cleaning the filter and changing out the tank water I was feeling pretty damn gross. I went to put the hose away before showering and those fucking dogs... head stuck under the fence, growl-barking at me and getting angrier by the minute. Fuck this -- I turned the hose on him. This would not be the first time.

An hour later when the water had been absorbed into the ground, the head was there again. This time I crammed a soccer ball into the hole. If it moves from that spot at all, I will have had enough of those fucking dogs.

Before you all think I'm totally passive-aggressive, I did screw up enough courage to knock on her door to ask her to do something about all the damn barking and the hole under the fence. Surprise surprise -- she wasn't home. I went back at least once, when I thought I saw a car pull up into her garage. Nothing.

I have already moved into another bedroom in my house to avoid being woken up by their incessant barking at a way-too-early hour. It helps, but not much.

Teamun is happily swimming in fresh water. Grady has a clean litterbox. I have scoured everything on my body after the entire ordeal. My neighbor's dogs still suck. Please don't tell me how wonderful your dog is. I'm sure he's a wonderful member of your family. I do not like dogs, do not want a dog, and do not enjoy the company of dogs. The only good dog is one I don't have to see, hear, smell, or interact with.