This is it.

Today is my 5th wedding anniversary.

I don't have a great retrospective of what the last five years were like. There were good times and bad times as in any marriage. The last couple of years have been particularly bad as I wondered what it was I had to look forward to as a wife. Looking back on old entries it's clear that we never really stood a chance. The same issues existed then as they do now, and I should be grateful that he is detaching himself from me. I'm not, though. I still love him just as much.

When things started to unravel just a few months into our marriage it was due to devastation on top of devastation. I deleted all the journal entries in a fit of overwhelming grief and instantly regretted it. Not only had I lost all my accounts of my mother's last days, but I lost all the entries I ever made during the time that Garret made me deliriously happy. I wish I had them now.

I was hoping that today I would meet Garret for coffee so we could give this marriage a kind of quiet send-off, but the cold I'm fighting is not responsive to any medicines. We may have to skip it. That would make him happy -- he did not want to observe it at all.

I thought for sure that I'd be a bit more sentimental about today. I am a bit sad but also a bit numb. There's nothing I can really say to sum it up. Everything that could have saved us was in his hands the whole time, and he refused every opportunity.

And that's all I have to say about that.