[public] Self-doubt

[fatrockstar]

I often look at myself in the mirror and wonder what I have to offer. It's not that I think I'm ugly or unappealing, it's that I really have no idea. I don't want people around me, especially men, who can't see beyond what I am on the surface. I know what I'm capable of and what I'm not.

Maybe I am ugly. Maybe I am too old. I certainly don't feel too old, and I have lost count of the number of people who laugh at me and tell me how young I am. There are numerous 20-year-olds that are so sucked in by our culture's worship of youth they would think differently, and tell me so with disdain.

I have a lot to think about. I have a lot to work on. I am not who I am partnered with -- I learned that long ago -- but it would be nice to find my compliment. It would be nice to have someone I could trust with my heart again, someone I can count on through the bad times and enjoy throughout the good.

Another 187 weigh-in. 30lbs down from my wedding day weight. Why am I not happier about this?