fatrockstar: (cookie monster)
The year was 1979. Maybe 1980. A subdivision of Birmingham, Alabama, called Hoover, in an apartment complex I remember only as "Sundowner Apartments." This is where the story begins.

My mother was not an expert at nutrition. For a while after my parents' divorce she was vigilant about her calories, but she wasn't that great a cook. Weight management meant ordering things from the restaurant without butter or mayonnaise, and drinking only iced tea and diet Coke. If it weren't for Mama, I probably would not have given raw cookie dough a second thought as comfort food until much later in life. The same can be said for Pizza Rolls. As a child I remember a lot of hot dogs, scrambled eggs, and sandwiches made with two or three thin sheets of Buddig deli meat in them. Taco filling came from a can. Little Debbie cakes had to be hidden sometimes or they'd disappear quickly. Mmm... Little Debbie cakes.

I'm not sure what got into me the day the Cookie Dough Rant came to be. I was a latchkey kid at home alone watching cartoons and waiting for Mama to come home from her retail job. In the freezer was a tube of chocolate chip cookie dough, cut and covered with cling wrap. Cookie dough from the freezer is too hard to gnaw on for a nine-year-old, and I had no patience, so I dug out all the chocolate chips from the cut surface and ate them (maybe she wouldn't notice, right?) I carefully re-wrapped the tube and put it back.

A few hours later I was in my bedroom reading and Mama came home. It was pretty quiet until she got to the freezer and unwrapped her tube of cookie dough. Then there was screaming. I really wish I could describe to you the sound my Mama made when she discovered those chocolate chips missing. I really, really do... mainly because it was hilarious. Even at age nine I knew it was hilarious -- but I dare not laugh! "WHO ATE ALL THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS IN MY COOKIE DOUGH! WHO DID THIS! AAAARGH!" As if she didn't know the answer. My soon-to-be stepfather was there and was not afraid to laugh at ALL, especially once he calmed her down and realized what she was so upset about.

We're talking about eight, maybe nine chocolate chip HALVES dug out by a kid finger from a frozen surface an inch and a half in diameter -- and my mama's head explodes. I don't remember if I apologized, but I think I did. She had been looking forward to that cookie dough after a long day of listening to people larger than her insist they were a size six, when my mother wore a 12, and I had ruined it. After calming down a bit, she cut off the offending half inch of that tube and gave it to me before curling up with a book in front of the television.

We didn't speak of it again, and tubes of raw cookie dough became harder and harder to find in the freezer without getting caught.

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fatrockstar

February 2017

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