fatrockstar: (headshot)
Hi everyone, I'm not dead - I'm just not writing a lot of public posts on LiveJournal. Most of my online presence is limited to private and other security-managed social media when it comes to my personal life, something I learned long ago was necessary in order to keep assholes from doing random judgey drivebys online.

Also, it's not easy to make a joke online either. There's always that one person who will drop me a private message asking "what the heck does THAT mean?" because they think I'm talking about them. If I am, well, get over it. Chances are I'm not. I do like to inject humor when communicating online or with my face. Humor is not one size fits all on the internet.

So, if you want to know what I'm doing these days and you're not part of my LiveJournal circle of friends, here are a few places you can go to see what I'm up to*.

Wordpress for crafting
Wordpress for band stuff
ReverbNation (sign up for my mailing list here!)
Facebook for my friends (occasionally with public posts)
Facebook for band stuff

*I don't accept all friend requests sent to me, just those from people I know or have met. Lurking is fine. Stalking is not. Lurk Moar.

I've found in my 20+ years on the internet that I don't say nearly as much as I used to. I also don't get as much personal email anymore. The information superhighway is a very different place these days and continues to evolve. If you really want to contact me you'll be able to find me. I'm a long ways away from removing myself from the grid altogether.

fatrockstar: (singer)
We're stepping in to replace a cancellation this Saturday at The Skylark Cafe & Club in West Seattle. Come join us!

Who: TUKTU, The Changing Colors, Wynne C Blue
Where: The Skylark Cafe & Club 3803 DELRIDGE WAY SW, Seattle
When: Saturday 6/15/13 8pm

21+, $5, we will open the show so get there early!
fatrockstar: (bunny)
Because I know a handful of you on the crafting mailing list are also readers of this blog. Pay attention:

On Sunday I will send out the official invitation to the next Craft Night. If you do not want your email and/or name shared with the rest of the guest list you need to answer that mail TODAY. I won't send a separate invitation to you or mail you the details of when and where Craft Night is outside of that invitation.

I'm still investigating how Gmail handles contact information in calendar invites. If your email does not resolve to a name, your email will appear. If your email does resolve to a name, your name will appear. If I have you in my contact address book under a name, THAT name will appear. Heads up: I have had to add names to several people's entries in my address book so I know who the hell they are.

I'd really like to have a Craft Night this week. I'd like to make things and take pictures of things and be able to speak freely about the things that make me happy and cause me a little concern. Mostly those first two, but you get the idea.

Read the email I sent last week. If you get the invite please RSVP. If we have a quorum, it's on. If we don't, it's not.

Hello Everyone

Tuesday, 8 May 2012 20:52
fatrockstar: (Default)
I don't blog as often as I used to. Heck, if you wander around LiveJournal for a while you'll see there are a lot of accounts that haven't been updated in months -- that includes personal and community accounts. I couldn't tell you how many of those were still active on a private or friends-only level.

My last public post was in December when album #2 came out. Everything else has been under lock and key for very good reason. Without revealing too much I'll tell you this: I went through a pretty dark time this Winter. It wasn't until my birthday in March that I actually took the first step in doing something about it.

The band still practices once a week. We've been adding some covers to our songbook so we can play longer sets and maybe a few parties or corporate events. As far as new songs go there have been only a few that I think are worth recording, but I am my own worst critic in that department. Ron went through our rehearsal archives and found another album in there somewhere. To be honest I haven't had much I've wanted to write about. I am blocked by the inability to truly express myself without repercussion and a dullness in my imagination for songs that are more entertainment than art.

I still live in the house I bought with my ex back in '05. Now that I'm in a position to refinance my horrendous mortgage I'm finding myself dreaming at night of other, more interesting and charming places to live. The ex's needs chose this house. With him gone it's kinda dumb for me to stay here if it's going to make me go broke. We'll see what the refi terms are -- being able to make a few changes could make a difference.

Martha is not Grady. She does not snuggle and is afraid of nothing. She will, however, lie on the floor with her paws up so you can rub her belly. I really wish I knew what she was trying to tell me, though, because she never shuts up. I feel like if only we could get past that communication thing we'd be golden.

My hair is getting really long. It's still candy-apple red, but these days I have more pink at the temples. Once in a while the roots get long enough I can make out my natural color. Still too much silver, so I color everything red again.

I roll in waves. Some weeks I'm very content and others I just want to go on a long drive alone somewhere. My life is not horrible. There are people I miss and hope to see again. There are songs I need to write. Until then, I am still posting entries here under lockdown where the search engines won't bother them much.

If you have a blog or another web presence I should know about please tell me where to find it in the comments. Everything is screened since I have no idea who actually checks here outside of LJ anymore.
fatrockstar: (jokermartha)
I have determined that whatever is causing my sore throat is INSIDE this house. I don't know what it is or how I can pinpoint it, I just know that my throat is sore to the point where singing is difficult and I often have a dry cough. In addition to that I am also suffering from super-dry sinuses and my eyes are intermittently on fire. This overall pain and discomfort is very frustrating because I know my dad would like to hear from me and I also have a gig on Sunday afternoon to sing for. I can't have long conversations with a glass throat.

All this started to escalate after PAX, which is also when temperatures broke 80 here. Now that it's rainy and in the 60s I thought for sure it would calm down. Noop.

It's not Martha, either. I was having this problem before she came to live with us and it hasn't become worse by being near her. Is it a moisture thing? I'm worried that if I turn on my humidifier and I'm wrong it could make everything worse. I have a huge fear that my crawlspace, which I have not ventured into for a Very Long Time, is a biosphere all its own and has finally outgrown the space beneath my house to infect me with its alien micro-organisms.

Speaking of Martha, she is painfully adorable. She is also painfully codependent and follows me everywhere, chirping at me in her squeaky little meao. I am concerned I will end up with two cats anyway, which will upset me, but I don't want to traumatize an animal with endless hours of loneliness she doesn't want.

So far we haven't really established a Grady-esque rapport. The only things that really come through are LOVE ME and WATCH ME EAT. We'll get there, I'm sure.

I pulled a white corset out of the dark corners of my closet and decided I was going to fuck with it. Why not, right? I spent $40 on it for my wedding back in '02 and have worn it maybe once since. At first I considered spray painting it red and doing the WW motif, but that's way too predictable. Instead I ripped off the tacky lacy trim and am painting it a lovely royal blue. Maybe I'll add some new trim if I have something worthwhile here in the house, but for now it's drying in the garage.

My new washing machine arrived this week and will take some getting used to. Instead of standard washing machine noises this one sounds like it's heaving during the wash cycle. I honestly thought for a moment that it was going to vomit my clothes all over the interior of my laundry room. That would have been terrifying.

I've been thinking about my former in-laws a lot lately. I put away Nate & Karen's wedding party photo a long time ago, but the last family picture they sent me is still up on my wall along with photos of other family members I don't get to see very often or at all. I'm pretty sure a lot has changed since the last time we heard from each other. The more time that passes the more awkward it seems to reach out and say hello, but life goes on. I don't want to make things uncomfortable for the Blues. Despite my ex's past behavior, I still love them and want them to be peaceful and happy.

Has anyone using Netflix seen The Hard Times of RJ Berger? I finished season 1 and loved it. Season 2 isn't available for streaming, which sucks, but I'm digging it. Word to the wise: I like strange television. My recommendations are not solid.
fatrockstar: (madmen)
It's been a while since I have actually seen my soon-to-be-ex-husband. Such a long time that I'm not entirely sure how I'd feel about being in the same room with him anymore. I'm sure I'd feel something, but it wouldn't be overwhelming or dramatic. I haven't given him a lot of thought lately.

After weeks of dealing with my back injury I was finally able to meet with Fish, a mutual friend of ours, to get the last of the divorce paperwork. We had a nice visit, he talked about his kids and his new job. Fish is a nice guy. It was quite the coincidence to find out he and his wife are active at the same judo dojo Ken attends.

Fish didn't volunteer any information about Garret other than the paperwork, so I don't expect he will volunteer any information about me, either. The only thing he said was that he liked both of us and was very sad we had to go through all this mess. I thanked him for that. The only thing I could say in response was "We'll all be okay. I'm sure Garret is fine -- he was fine before I came along and can take care of himself. It's been too long for me to say anything else about that."

When I got home I signed the papers and sealed them in the prepaid envelope they came in. It was very anticlimactic. My only concern now is if I will be notified when it is final.

I lost a lot of friends in the split. I lost family I cared very much about. They seem to be doing fine -- my BIL/SIL have since had a baby boy, giving the family something new and positive to focus on. I try to extend positive wishes their way with holiday cards, but it's awkward. I don't really have anything that binds me to them anymore but that and my desire to stay in touch. My MIL sent me a pic of her new grandson on Santa's lap with a happy note, for which I am grateful. He's very cute.

If I had any wish in the world about my in-laws, it would be that we could still have the occasional lunch or phone call where we could catch up and visit like nothing awful ever happened. I don't know if that's possible without re-establishing speaking terms with Garret. Will that ever happen? Who knows. All I can say for sure is if he called, I'd be civil -- maybe even friendly. He knows this, I think.

The paperwork goes in the mail this afternoon, and three months from now it will be over. It seems like it's already been over for a very long time anyway. I'm okay with that.


Monday, 23 November 2009 23:10
fatrockstar: (The Man in Black)
Two weeks ago I put out a lawn waste bag with my garbage can for pickup. The garbage can was emptied, but they left the lawn waste bag, and then the crows pulled it apart. Yay. I ended up having to clean up a mess of birdseed, shredded paper, and weeds, put it in a new trash bag (that was way too small, but I made it fit), and stick THAT back into the garbage can for the next week's pickup. It took up almost the entire can.

The next week we had a small windstorm, so the garbage didn't get taken out. More garbage accrued.

In the meantime, Grady's litter box was in need of a full change -- not just the remove-the-clumps-add-more-litter type, either -- because it was beginning to STINK. There had been no room in the garbage can to do such a thing, but I was left no choice. I needed to call Waste Management about putting out an extra can.

The girl on the phone was nice and answered all my questions, but informed me that my garbage collection had been canceled at the end of August. Because I had paid my bill eight days late, online, the service wasn't automatically reinstated. Apparently it is policy that online payers have to make a phone call to get their service back. It sucks, but oh well. I had her restart service and arrange to have a second can picked up.

But how did my garbage get picked up all in all the weeks since? The girl wasn't sure, because once my service was terminated THEY REPO'D MY TRASH CAN. Suddenly things made a lot of sense. For your convenience, I will recap:

My neighbor's trash can had no house number on it, but mine did. This summer she started sending her 6-year-old to retrieve their can from the curb, and because the garbage guys have a tendency to throw cans instead of putting them back where they found them the boy would grab the closest one to him -- mine. I complained to my neighbor, who instructed her son to knock it off. A month later I came home to find that he had yet again taken the wrong can. As I had done many times before, I took my neighbor's can, grumbled, and waited for the next week.

The next week I took her can to the curb filled with my garbage. Instead of MY can at her curb, there was a new can with HER house number on it. My can was nowhere to be found.

Can you see where the mystery suddenly became clear? For the last two months the garbage men have been emptying my can and hers, believing that both of them were hers. This is the ONLY reason they have been picking up my trash. The new can was because I had taken hers not realizing that it wasn't her son that took my can, it was Waste Management. She hasn't bothered to come by to talk to me about it. If anything, she's been avoiding me, and probably because I confronted her son about the damn cans to begin with instead of coming to her first -- something that wouldn't have happened if she was ever home.

I have garbage service again, and that's all I really care about right now. That, and Grady having a spanky clean litter box.
fatrockstar: (cookie monster)
I haven't had much motivation lately to do anything except watch television. When I started to walk everywhere my appetite adjusted, which only made me want to move around MORE to counter it. I have spent entire cable dramas on my feet in front of my television in constant motion, punching, kicking, reaching, touch-stepping, and generally keeping my heart rate above resting.

Tonight I realized there wasn't anything good on television that I haven't seen before and I had a perfectly good DDR game that at least two generous and fantastic people went out of their way to make sure I got for my birthday. It was high time to set that mother up.

A long time ago Garret ordered a DDR game along with a pair of controllers off the net somewhere, and we tried them out (much to the distress of our downstairs neighbor and her birds). Thing is, the game was kinda hard for a couple of grownups not used to jumping up and down a lot in front of our television. We gave up on it very quickly. It was just too hard.

Fast forward to 2008, where I learn that not all DDR games are created equal, and my new friends offer to take my game for a test run to see why I don't want to play it. Lo and behold, the game in my possession has no beginner level. Huh. When I was presented with a better version of the game on my birthday I was a bit relieved I'd have something I could actually play and excited that I'd have something besides Guitar Hero to challenge me.

Let me tell you, "thanks, guys" doesn't seem to cover it. I spent a good hour playing in Dance Master mode and was surprised I broke a sweat. This was much more fun than watching Seth MacFarlane reruns on Adult Swim (and probably more intellectually stimulating as well).

Now if only I could convince Stuart to try this with me...

Still Alive

Saturday, 5 April 2008 12:32
fatrockstar: (cookie monster)
If you've contacted me this week over my lack of entries you are not alone. Knowing that my writing will sometimes have some mass appeal, and that a lot of my net-friendly friends and family are not bloggers (or even LJ users), I try to write publicly on a regular basis. I have no restrictions on commenting on my entries because of this. However, if you comment Anonymously without identifying yourself... you are fair game and I will show no mercy.

There is not a lot in my personal life I care to share publicly right now other than I'm broke and looking for work. I'm not living in my car yet, but come May 7 I may need to consider it if I have nothing lined up. I have been actively applying for positions since about the 10th of last month, and next week I have a phone screen scheduled. My weekend will most likely be spent at the library or in a couple of books, brushing up on my programming theory.

I take things one day at a time. Saturday mornings are the hardest. The good days outnumber the bad days, but that is probably because my ex hasn't made his presence known outside of one or two emails in months. It's like he died and I don't know where he's buried. If he showed up on my doorstep or called me I would react accordingly.

My friend Allison is one of the few people I've met recently that's been able to pull me out of my shell, even for just a few hours. She's not local, and neither are any of her friends she's introduced me to since we started hanging out. Most all of them have roots back East. Allison herself is from the Carolinas and it shows. She's been supportive -- I can be obnoxious with her in a way only Southern girls know how.

I don't know what else I can share here. Everything else isn't what I want to open up about. There was a time where I felt I had enough people in my world I could be honest in an open forum, but all that changed on November 3rd, 2007. There is at least one person out there who, if I ever see her again, will lose an eye. If she's smart she has left the state. She's not as invisible as she thinks she is.
fatrockstar: (glamour)

I often look at myself in the mirror and wonder what I have to offer. It's not that I think I'm ugly or unappealing, it's that I really have no idea. I don't want people around me, especially men, who can't see beyond what I am on the surface. I know what I'm capable of and what I'm not.

Maybe I am ugly. Maybe I am too old. I certainly don't feel too old, and I have lost count of the number of people who laugh at me and tell me how young I am. There are numerous 20-year-olds that are so sucked in by our culture's worship of youth they would think differently, and tell me so with disdain.

I have a lot to think about. I have a lot to work on. I am not who I am partnered with -- I learned that long ago -- but it would be nice to find my compliment. It would be nice to have someone I could trust with my heart again, someone I can count on through the bad times and enjoy throughout the good.

Another 187 weigh-in. 30lbs down from my wedding day weight. Why am I not happier about this?

This is it.

Friday, 21 December 2007 09:14
fatrockstar: (innocent)
Today is my 5th wedding anniversary.

I don't have a great retrospective of what the last five years were like. There were good times and bad times as in any marriage. The last couple of years have been particularly bad as I wondered what it was I had to look forward to as a wife. Looking back on old entries it's clear that we never really stood a chance. The same issues existed then as they do now, and I should be grateful that he is detaching himself from me. I'm not, though. I still love him just as much.

When things started to unravel just a few months into our marriage it was due to devastation on top of devastation. I deleted all the journal entries in a fit of overwhelming grief and instantly regretted it. Not only had I lost all my accounts of my mother's last days, but I lost all the entries I ever made during the time that Garret made me deliriously happy. I wish I had them now.

I was hoping that today I would meet Garret for coffee so we could give this marriage a kind of quiet send-off, but the cold I'm fighting is not responsive to any medicines. We may have to skip it. That would make him happy -- he did not want to observe it at all.

I thought for sure that I'd be a bit more sentimental about today. I am a bit sad but also a bit numb. There's nothing I can really say to sum it up. Everything that could have saved us was in his hands the whole time, and he refused every opportunity.

And that's all I have to say about that.


fatrockstar: (Default)

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