fatrockstar: (happykid)
I told him I barely remember him, but Jerry seems to think I was his girlfriend. If he thinks this, all the apologies in the world won't atone for me saying "sorry, I don't really remember you that well." Well, I remember him vaguely at best. We were kids in a place I would rather forget altogether.

In other news, my ex and his co-conspirator are now both on Facebook. I would never have known if a) Facebook had not suggested one of them to me, and b) someone in my circle of friends hadn't friended Garret. As a result, I really don't want to do too much there anymore. I thought I was ready to make some kind of peace in the form of a phone call or something, but now I'm not so sure.

The divorce... I really don't know what is going on there. I asked nicely if he'd take care of it like he was supposed to to begin with, and he said he was already on it. I haven't heard from him since -- so much for that. No court record in our state has our names on it except the original petition. Believe me, I'm as confused and frustrated over this situation as anyone else. I have done my homework and have found my hands tied.

In more pleasant news, I got paid. Now it is time to get my damn certifications and get on with it.

War Zone

Friday, 4 July 2008 23:51
fatrockstar: (glamour)
This is the first Independence Day I've had in a long time without Garret. He didn't like to go out to fireworks, preferring to watch them on TV or skip them altogether. If we did go out, it was because his mother invited us to a family gathering at their place. As someone who previously went out of her way to see such things, it was a disappointment to me that my husband wusband did not share my enthusiasm for wanting to live out and about.

I probably could have gone out to the whole "4th of JulIvar's" thing if I had the inclination. It's what my unmarried self would have done. Instead, I sat at home with Grady and made sure he was okay. He's agitated and curious, but I wasn't in the mood to take any chances.

Instead I listened to all the explosions and thought about how loud and scary they were, and felt sorry for myself for not going outside to socialize with my neighbors. There are a lot of cul-de-sacs in my neighborhood, each with their own set of pyromaniacs. By this time next year I could be living somewhere else. Maybe I should have done something special this time around.

I look at Grady and feel a mix of contentedness and sadness. I didn't want a cat. I don't resent his presence -- I'm very protective of him, actually -- but I often think of picking up and leaving for an extended period, and I can't do that without upsetting him and he doesn't travel well. Poor lil' guy.

Maybe by Hallowe'en I'll stop feeling sad around major holidays. Last Hallowe'en I had to endure a dumbass-alien-themed pumpkin (carved by Garret and that tweetybird-lookin', orthopedic-shoe-wearing fuckface he stabbed me in the back with) on my porch. I still hate her so much...

But anyway, it's half-past midnight here and it still sounds like a war zone outside. It does not sound like celebration. It sounds like panic. Panic and fear and intimidation. I'm not going to sleep anytime soon. I live too close to "ground zero."

Must Hire

Tuesday, 13 May 2008 17:03
fatrockstar: (Default)
The verdict is in from my Friday interview. Now the only thing left is to hear back from the client to make sure the position is still open.

Oh, and I bought new shoes to celebrate. Now I can throw out those ugly brown shoes I bought with Jennifer a million years ago. I believe it's the last piece of evidence of her in the house. Sweet!

found my caucus

Thursday, 7 February 2008 23:37
fatrockstar: (The Man in Black)
And it's right up the road. If Jennifer knows what's good for her, she won't be there -- she's closer to it than I am.

I think I can do 1pm on Saturday. Maybe I'll ask my neighbor to come with me.
fatrockstar: (glamour)
The title is not terribly accurate for this blog post. Ethan wrote a song titled "Friendship (is Not a Contract)" for the band, and it's not one of his best. Reluctant to explain the motivation behind his lyrics, he said the song was inspired by his divorce experience, namely the paperwork involved in breaking his commitment contract. When it comes down to it, marriage is a contract. There is no paperwork involved in being "just a friend," and a verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

I've been doing a lot of reading about anger and forgiveness, both of them have a common theme of "letting go." It's so very easy to tell ourselves we forgive someone and then turn around and assign all the blame for a wrongdoing on them as if we never had anything at all to do with it. That might be easier, but it's far from healthy. Forgiveness is a gift to oneself. It does not condone anything. It's a personal choice one makes.

With reading comes a lot of thinking (a dangerous pastime, I know) about my role in the current drama. While I am far from shouldering all the blame, I am not completely without any. As with any crisis I've been doing a lot of "what did I do to deserve this bullshit?" and finding it hard to come up with any obvious answers.

So what did I do to deserve this bullshit? I can only think of a couple of things, but they are ambiguous at best. No one incident brought me to this place in my life. Of the last nine years of our friendship, only about half of that time was spent being completely honest with her. Before that I always gave her my "awesome face," because I had all the answers. I didn't want her to see the side of me that worried constantly, or experienced random panic attacks. Why? Because I honestly didn't think she could handle it, and she hadn't been one to reveal much of herself to me, either. When Garret and I went through our first big crisis I started to bare a little more of my soul. I still kept my "awesome face," it was just more apparent that I needed a friend instead of needing to be one.

As time went on I may have leaned on Jennifer a bit more than she could handle. I don't think that was the problem, though. Actually, I don't think that's very close to the truth. What would be closer is to say that as time went on I realized that she wasn't very wise about a lot of things and I may have started treating her like she was inferior to me. In a way, she IS inferior: She's uneducated, inexperienced, and incredibly naive about her body. The only thing she has that I might be jealous of is her paycheck. However, I have a lot she is jealous of. I won't go into detail about any of them because those of you in my inner sanctum already know what they are.

So I've been unfair to someone I considered a friend. I didn't realize I was doing it, it was unconscious behavior. She never once spoke up to me and said "Wynne, don't talk to me like I'm stupid." The only thing she ever spoke up to me about was affirming that my husband did not want children and I should "suck it up and move on," and even that was said with as little emotion as possible. I imagine that her growing resentment of me pushed her to the point of stabbing me in the back. I also imagine that I fueled that resentment without realizing it. For that I apologize.

If you are my friend and I have mistreated you in the past I am very sorry. There is a 99.9% chance I did it unintentionally and without malice. I respect my friendships -- all of them -- and would never dishonor any one of my friends in the way I have been recently. My only expectations in friendship is honesty, preferably the in-person kind.

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