fatrockstar: (cookie monster)
I have been battling depression for a long time. It comes in waves and lasts for however long it lasts. Sometimes it's just a premenstrual funk, and other times it can take weeks to snap out of it. As I am emerging from this last episode, I feel I can write clearly enough for a public entry.

One of the worst aspects of major depression is the feeling that not only are you not doing anything right, you've also let everyone down. You let them down by doing or by not doing, or simply by being depressed at all. Every thought you have is of how the people you love are affected by your behavior, and you convince yourself that they are all either irritated at or disappointed in you. It can get overwhelming.

In my case I felt like a complete failure. My finances have been barely treading water, my band lost its last original member, I've been gaining back all the weight I lost... you get the idea. 2009 challenged me from all sides*. With the sense of failure comes a lot of guilt, and I have been beating the shit out of myself with it. Why? I guess at some point I told myself that pursuing my dreams, whatever they may be, is not something I can afford to sacrifice anything for.

That's kinda stupid. Sacrifices are what we make every day, with every choice. Why am I not allowed to sacrifice anything? What reward did I get for not making any sacrifices?

Oh, right -- I got depressed.

Recently I read something that made me realize I've been thinking too hard about certain things. The people I thought I had let down the most I hadn't really given a lot of credit to, and I apologize. I should have had more faith. Instead I kept to myself in an effort to spare feelings. I want wonderful things for them and always will. I also intend to keep all my promises, even if it takes me a while.

I have two resolutions for 2010. One is to finish every project I start. The other is to make a habit out of being happy, even if it means I have to stop second-guessing myself on everything. It's what I want for myself, and what the people who love me want for me, too.

I thought about screening comments, but decided not to.

*but did NOT suck as bad as 2008 did.
fatrockstar: (Default)
For a couple of days there I didn't think of anything. I asked for some space so I could, and didn't. I just dinked around, obsessing over the heat, wishing I had the kind of income that would allow me to upgrade my central heat with some much-desired A/C. The thoughts I was supposed to think just weren't all there. I would toss them around in my head with no real direction.

Today I found myself thinking a little more about it than usual. Maybe it's just because I happened to be in the Safeway when the sound system was playing that song by The Cure. Or because I have been bored enough to sit in front of the internet nonstop and watch everyone else's life go by. It's a little depressing -- I know that the people who aren't posting are out there living life, and the ones that are have a nifty gadget that allows them to live life and be on the internet at the same time.

What I'm thinking about isn't an either/or or a yes/no. For some reason I thought it was. It's more specific than that. I realized that yesterday.

There's one thing I have to do first. I only wish I had the resources to do it.

comments screened
fatrockstar: (happykid)
It was a good trip. Jen & Steve are mostly how I remember them, and I only say "mostly" because parenting a teenage girl with truth issues may as well be just like going to war. I am so happy I went and hung out with them, met all kinds of locals, saw Loretta Lynn, saw John Mellencamp's house, walked on the beach, almost got a tattoo (in South Carolina it's perfectly legal and acceptable to tattoo a drunk person), and ate shellfish for the first time in a long time. I've never eaten so many french fries in my life.

The trip home was a bit stressful. All it takes is one delay to throw off the whole thing. Have I mentioned I hate the window seat? Yeah, that. [singsong] claustrophoooooobia [/singsong]

You know how playing a video game will unlock other levels or items? Yeah, this trip was kinda like that. I need a 360 banner for the achievement, though.
fatrockstar: (pika)
We're all very excited about playing the High Dive. It sucks that it's a Sunday, but oh well. I asked Ed to promote the show, and he gave me an excuse. Gosh, that didn't stop him from promoting the Tuesday show for his other band. I understand that he has spread himself thin these days and it's catching up with him, but now is not the time to go all cornflakes on me.

Discovered a headlight out on the truck. Yay! One more thing to repair.

I was hopeful about taxes this year, but since the paperwork originally filed with King County was not actually a legal separation, I'm not even legally separated. If we were that, both of us could file as single. I called and verified this with King County. No divorce on file, no separation on file. The next step is to call the IRS. Fun! Of course, I'm the only one investigating this, because I'm the one with a lot to lose. Garret doesn't care and never will. He's a brick.

I put together two songs for rehearsal tonight, and the guys didn't pick up on it like I'd hoped. They still sounded great, but not like I had them in my head. I will play around with my keyboard and guitar a little more, see if I can record a scratch.

I'm looking for people who will help me promote the show at the High Dive -- putting up flyers in their offices and around their neighborhoods, telling friends, posting on blogs, etc. I want to get this year off to a good start. I have to. In this economy, all I have is the band. I may be a sucky composer, but at least I enjoy what I do.

Six days until I leave for Tybee. I'm very excited! I need to call Allison and make arrangements. I've been cleaning like mad because she said she'd stay overnight with him a couple of times. He will be thrilled at that. At least I hope he will anyway...

Soap Opera Digest

Wednesday, 7 January 2009 21:03
fatrockstar: (cheesecake)
I have missed being able to send my miniblogs here. If I had twitter'd, today I would have posted the following:

Went to Ed's gig w/National Broadcast at the Tractor last night. I always forget how tall Ethan is. Hot guys EVERYWHERE, the few girls there were drunk, and I really really want to play at The Tractor now.

NB's promoter talked to us for a bit. I asked him how much work he wanted to take on, told him to think of us when booking the next NB show. Nice guy. Young. *sigh*

I owe Eden over at Evolution $30. Looks like I'll have to sell a couple of things first. I can't believe how broke I am. This sucks.

None of my pants fit. They all fall off my hips. The one pair that does fit - just snug enough to be uncomfortable. I'm at 192 now. Yay!

I'm on a mission to gig. Gig and hire backup vox. And maybe a keyboardist. So many ideas, so little music theory. Must..book..shows..

Big Bros/Bis Sis called me today. I asked for info a month ago. I can either commit to a year in the community or a flexible timespan at a school. Suddenly this is really fucking scary. Why is that?

Seven days until Tybee. I will see The Palmers for the first time in years. I miss them. They knew me when I was more fun, long before Garret. I need to reconnect with my origins.

Trying to write a song, but can't get all the words onto paper. Funny, I had it all figured out on the car driving home. What happened? It was cool, too. Damn.

Heard back from the compilation album folks. They were able to "warm the track up to industry standards." You have no idea how happy I am about that.

Time to compose my "book us" email. I need to play out.

I typed in all this shit myself. Loudtwitter had nothing to do with it.
fatrockstar: (gwen)
I really hate the holidays. There's nothing for me to celebrate, really. I find it a convenient excuse to meet with people I like and eat food I normally wouldn't. Truth be told, I'm alone, have been for most of my life, will be for the rest of it, and I struggle with accepting that every day. Because I do enjoy the company of others, though, I try to see the positive in it. I try very, very hard.

I am thankful for the friends I get to spend time with.

I am thankful for the friends who are happy to hear from me and return my calls and email.

I am thankful for the friends that are patient with me during my darkest times.

I am thankful for Grady and his feline efforts to make sense in English (or "Engline").

I am thankful for the inability to predict the future.

I am thankful for the blogiverse, Tylenol, Junior Mints in fun size, and webcam conversations that go until the wee hours.

I am especially thankful for my band, their families, our fans, and everything Troublefakers. If it were not for the lot of you, past and present, I don't know where I'd be. I love you guys and hope you're enjoying your day surrounded by people you care about.

Before I forget...

I am also thankful for time to myself, a roof over my head, and a job that keeps me busy.

...and chocolate chip cookie dough. Preferably the kind I have to assemble myself.


fatrockstar: (Default)

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